The Talk
by MuseandMe2
Summary: Set just after 'Resolutions', Kathryn wants to have a talk with Chakotay
1. Chapter 1

Chakotay walked slowly through the halls of Voyager back to his quarters. He was winded after his session on the holodeck. He had run a boxing program to try and rid the persistent anxiety and frustration he had been feeling since his recent experience with the Captain on New Earth. His t-shirt dripped with the sweat of his efforts but it hadn't worked. So, he had stopped by sick bay to check with the Doctor to see if the virus they had contracted there could be causing his lingering effects.

The Doctor viewed his latest scan and said, "I can confirm, Commander, that the nervous energy you have described is most likely of an emotional nature not a physiological one. If we had a Counselor on board, I'd suggest you make an appointment. In lieu of that, I can run a few psychiatric programs to update my subroutines and see you in a few days."

Chakotay shook his head. "Never mind. I can handle it."

"I wouldn't suggest that, Commander. Emotional health is just as important as physical health. If you won't consult with me, a close friend can just as easily do the trick."

"Thanks." Chakotay hopped down from the bio bed. "I'll do that." He walked out of sick bay and headed to the turbo lift. As the doors opened, he saw the Captain standing there, prim and proper in her Starfleet best ready to go for her midnight duty shift.

"Good Evening, Commander."

Her presence brought him back to that planet. She had looked so unlike she did now. The long hair that was tied up tight on her head had been allowed to fall loose down her back. The stiff uniform had been traded for long, flowing dresses that moved with her as she walked. She was beautiful. The no-nonsense Captain had relaxed into a casual, funny woman who delighted in hard work and easy company.

He smiled as he remembered the gentle teasing and jabs they had thrown at one another as they grew more comfortable with their situation. Their relationship had changed from one of professional camaraderie to intimate friends. The strong Captain who stood before him now could also be a small woman clad only in a towel calling for his help when she heard a tiny noise stir in the woods. Now, his personal assistance was demanded by Voyager's formal comm system.

"Commander, are you feeling okay?"

Chakotay came back to the present and saw the Captain eyeing him. He rubbed his neck and said, "Yes. I think I'm just tired. I was actually heading back to my quarters and into bed."

"I see." She stepped aside as he entered the lift and called for his deck.

He glanced at her face and noticed her gaze avoided his. "Don't worry," he said. "That wasn't an invitation."

She looked up at him and smoothed her uniform. "I didn't think it was."

Chakotay leaned back against the wall. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't." She let the moment pass before she said, "Chakotay, we need to talk."

"About?"

"I think you know what about. We need to end this. You and I have been uneasy with each other since we returned to Voyager. We've been trying to resume the practiced balance we once shared and we're both failing miserably."

His heart skipped. "You've been having trouble with your feelings too?"

"Feelings?" She frowned. "What kind of feelings, Commander?"

Chakotay glanced away and stood up as the lift came to a stop. "Feeling that this daily routine just isn't the same as what we've been used to in the past few weeks."

"Well, I don't suppose it would be." Taking a deep breath, she said, "How about dinner, in my quarters, tomorrow night?

Chakotay stepped out. "Are you cooking?"

She gave him a big smile and he saw a momentary glimpse of the woman he had met, fallen in love with, and lost over the past month. "No," she said. Holding up a palm, she said, "I promise the food will be edible."

He matched her smile and said, "I'll bring the wine then."

He saw her nod as the lift doors closed. Chakotay could hardly wait for the next twenty four hours to pass.


	2. Chapter 2

The next night, Chakotay, dressed in a casual sweater and pants rang the chime. He heard her call him into her quarters. She walked out of the back room as he entered and he noticed she was still dressed in her Starfleet uniform. "I'm sorry. You haven't had a chance to change. Working past your shift time again, Captain?"

She took the bottle of wine from his hands. "I have a lot of catching up to do. We were gone a long time and I want to make sure I haven't overlooked anything. Your objection to my lateness is duly noted, Commander."

"I'll wait outside if you want to change."

She set the bottle of wine on the table and looked back at him. "I'm perfectly fine like this."

Chakotay looked down at the floor. "Of course you are."

"What was that?"

He looked up and watched her fold her arms. He walked over and said, "I'm sorry. I was just hoping that you and I could relax tonight. I didn't realize this was an official dinner."

She raised her chin. "It's not an official dinner. Nor is it a date."

"I didn't think it was." He sat down in one of the chairs and said, "Maybe we better skip dinner and get straight to your talk."

She bit her lip and said, "Yes, maybe we should."

Chakotay threw up his hands. "I'm all yours, Captain."

Kathryn walked to the other chair and sat down to face him. "First, let's drop the cavalier attitude, Commander. It doesn't suit you."

Chakotay met her stare. "Done. Can we drop the ranks too?"

Kathryn took a deep breath and nodded. She leaned forward and said, "What's happened to us, Chakotay? We're on guard, anxious, edgy and irritated with each other."

"I'm not irritated with you. If I gave you that impression, it was a wrong one and I apologize."

Kathryn waved her hand. "This isn't about apologies. This is about finding us again."

Chakotay's heart skipped. "Us?"

"Yes, us." She fondled her fork and said, "Us as in friends, confidants, fellow officers." She put the utensil down. "But you don't want that, do you?"

"Of course I want that. But I want something else too. Don't you?" His brown eyes met her blue ones as they held each other's gazes. It was Kathryn who blinked first.

"Chakotay, you know that as Captain I can not become involved with a member of my crew, let alone my First Officer."

"Why not?"

"You know why not."

"I do, but I want to hear you say it."

Kathryn stared at him as he waited for her to officially reject him. She knew his heart was right there on the table just waiting for her to toss it to the floor and stomp on it. The fact that he would put her in the position to be so callous angered her and her eyes narrowed. "I don't appreciate being criticized over rules you and I both agreed and swore to when we joined Starfleet."

Chakotay placed his elbows on the table and leaned forward. "You forget I left Starfleet and rejected those rules."

"You resigned from Starfleet over a policy disagreement about the neutral zone not over a personal conduct code. And now you're asking me to join you in this little rebellion that's been expanded to include fraternization even though you wear their uniform day in and day out and agreed to run this ship as a Starfleet vessel the day you got here? Are you giving me notice that your word is no longer valid, Commander? Do I need to reassess my bridge personnel?"

Chakotay's face darkened. "Don't threaten me, Kathryn. And don't put words in my mouth because you are too scared to have honest ones come out of yours."

"Careful, Commander."

"No, not Commander! Chakotay! We agreed to drop our ranks tonight. This is us, Kathryn. You and I talking about what we should have been talking about for months. It just took that planet to force this issue that we've been skirting around for a year." He grabbed her hand. "You want to hear what I have to say? Good. Because you are going to sit there and listen to every word of it even if I have to tie you to that chair to do it."

Kathryn glared at him. "Now who's threatening?"

Chakotay released her hand and sat back, running a hand through his short hair. "This isn't Starfleet." He saw her face and held up his hand. "This isn't the Alpha Quadrant where there is a Starfleet base in communication at all times issuing directives. We are in the Delta Quadrant. Alone. A former Starfleet vessel with one singular mission –to get home. A home that you see as one where we can all be guided and told what to do once again by Starfleet Command."

He watched Kathryn shift in her chair and shake her head as he continued. "Yes, we should be guided by Starfleet principles out here just like our own morality because it's the right thing to do. It gives us purpose, consistency, and conformity. But, at what cost, Kathryn? Upholding the strict rules and regulations of an administration that I'm not going to see for the next sixty or seventy years….I don't know if I can give my life up for that. Can you?"

She regarded him in silence as his eyes begged her to respond. "May I speak now?"

"Of course."

"First, I'd like to say that I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?"

Kathryn fidgeted with the silverware. "For stranding you here. For taking you away from your family, your mission, your life."

Chakotay grabbed her hand again and said, "Kathryn, that has nothing to do with this. I don't blame you for that. None of the crew do."

She shrugged. "Some do. And I'm sorry. I made the best decision I could at the time. The one that I felt was right."

"It was right. Did you not hear me when I told you about the ancient legend?"

Kathryn closed her eyes. "Chakotay, please don't."

He squeezed her hand and said, "No. I mean did you hear the part when I said that being here with you, by your side, Kathryn, it's given me peace. Peace that I have never found in my life until you."

She opened her eyes and he saw tears there. She felt him slowly stroke her hand. "Chakotay, I can't be who you want me to be. I know you're desperate to cling to someone who you think can be your savior…"

"You are not my savior. You are my equal, a woman, who I love."

"Who you exalt because you think I've done something for you that, for all you know, any other person could do. You only cling to me because you think that's all there is for you. I made it this way for everyone so that we are all there is for each other!"

He took her other hand and said, "Kathryn, look at me. I'm not settling for you because you're the only woman I've got to pick from. Trust me, I have plenty of options."

Kathryn laughed and brushed away a tear. "I can't tell you how much better that makes me feel."

He smiled and said, "I'm not saying that to brag. I'm saying it to let you know that, out of all those other options, I want you." He watched her take a deep breath and blow it out. "Kathryn, I want you. I guess the real question between us is: do you want me?"

Kathryn sniffed and rubbed her nose. "Chakotay, I…I have someone at home who I love…"

"Who in all likelihood has moved on or will move on. Chances are pretty high that you will not see him again, not in a timeframe that matters, no matter how great a Captain you are. You're a great Captain but even you can't change the laws of space travel. If we could, this crew would have done it and we'd be back home right now having this exact conversation." Chakotay licked his lips and said, "I'm not trying to take you away from Mark or push you into something you don't really want. I just want you to be honest with me and with yourself."

"Okay." Kathryn dried her tears and looked at him. "Right now, my answer is that I'm not ready, Chakotay. I'm not ready to leave my old life behind and just move on. I admire that you can do it but I'm not there yet. And I don't want to give you false hope or tell you to give me a few more months or years because I know you'll do it. You always do it. You'd do anything for me. But I can't ask you to. You desperately want a life with someone and you should have that life."

"I'm not desperate, Kathryn. And I can't take my feelings and just transfer them to someone else who'll do. They're about you. Only you." He watched her eyes tear up again as she smiled.

She took her hand from his and placed it against his cheek. "I do love you, Chakotay." She watched his face come alive and quickly said, "But I can't give you what you want. Not now. Not yet. And maybe not ever." She saw most of the hope fade in his eyes until there was only a glimmer of it left. "I'm so sorry, Chakotay. But, that's all I can give you right now."

Chakotay swallowed hard and sat back. "I understand. Thank you for being honest with me."

"You deserve honesty."

"And now I have it." He stood up from the table and walked toward the door. He stopped as he heard her call his name.

"Chakotay, are we going to be okay?"

He turned and looked at her almost trembling in her chair waiting breathlessly for his reply. He wanted to run to her, take her in his arms, and love away all of her pain and all of her guilt. But he knew she wasn't ready for that. At least from him, yet. Instead, he gave her a big grin and nodded. "See you on the bridge, Captain."


End file.
